I am BEYOND flabbergasted right now. I’m also a redhead, with all the attendant cliche-ridden tendencies . . . so feel free to picture flame coming out of my nostrils, unruly curls that look like they could shape shift into sea monsters, and of course, a voice at a decibel level that IS BEYOND HUMAN.

OK? Got the picture? Here’s the story:

My car needed an oxygen sensor. The very nice guys at Toyotechs fixed it. In order to fix it, the battery had to be unplugged and whenever you unplug a battery, it takes a while for the car’s computer to reset. They told me to drive it 30-40 miles before I took the vehicle in to have its emissions tested. (Incidentally, my husband’s oxygen sensor ALSO went out in his BMW and the mechanic told him to drive it 40-100 miles, so apparently, this is “standard” for cars.)

So I drove it the required miles, took it to be tested, and it failed the “readiness” portion which means the computer isn’t ready. It hasn’t re-set yet. Chris drove his car the required miles and it passed. Harumph!

I drove it some more . . . 163 miles in total and took it back in. Again, I got a “readiness fail.” Now, my tags expired last week so I am driving around with expired tags. I did, however, go to the DMV and pay the taxes so I can at least show the cop I am TRYING.

Back to Toyotechs I went. They ran it through their computer and received a set of instructions on exactly what we need to do to re-set the computer. It has to be followed EXACTLY LIKE THIS, in this exact order. Here’s what I have to do — and before you read on — this is for real. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

1) Drive vehicle at 40-55 mph for approximately 3 minutes (no stopping, no slowing down). No sudden acceleration.

2) Then drive it at 35-45 mph for approximately 7 minutes.

3) Car must have 1/2 – 3/4 tank of gas. No more, no less.

4) Let the car sit overnight or for 8 hours. (No pesky trips to the grocery store or pediatrician visits!)

5) Drive vehicle at approximately 45 mph for about 5 minutes.

6) Drive vehicle at approximately 25 mph for about 15 minutes, and include a minimum of two stops for approximately 30 seconds.

7) Steps 5 and 6 must be completed on smooth roads to minimize fuel sloshing.

Let the car cool.

9) Start the car, let it warm up until the engine temp is 167 or higher.

10) Run the engine at 3,000 RPM for about 10 seconds.

11) Allow the engine to idle with the A/C on for 15-50 minutes. (Which is it, Toyota? 15 or 50?)

12) Drive vehicle at 43-56 mph for a period of 3-5 minutes (no more than 5).

13) Let the engine idle for 3-5 minutes.

14) Drive vehicle at 43-56 mph for a period of 3-5 minutes again – but you cannot allow the throttle position to exceed 30% and you must avoid sudden acceleration. (How am I supposed to merge on a highway to get back up to that speed? Anybody?)

15) Let the engine idle again for 3-5 minutes.

16) Pray that the car will now pass.

There are actually more instructions to do with outside temperature (can’t be too hot or cold — like the three little bears, it must be “just right”). . . Joe at Toyotechs printed out the 5-page instructions for me. After I passed out and he revived me (a bit of redheaded exaggeration), I started racing through the possibilities. Where in the hell in Atlanta can I maintain a speed of 43-56 mph, pull over and let it idle, then somehow get back up to that speed WITHOUT ACCELERATING too fast?

Never mind that the Corolla is our only car that can fit a car seat (we can kind of cram one in the back of Chris’ car, but it’s a 2-door and not easy). Besides, he has to go to work, and I have to take the baby in for his 15-month well visit tomorrow, followed by a doctor’s appointment I have to check on my — are you ready — HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. I cannot imagine what is causing that, can you?

Oh wait, maybe it’s the CONDEMNED stove in this lemon house. (Gas company came out Monday and said the stove is causing carbon monoxide to leak.) Landlord is supposed to replace the stove. We’re still waiting.

Or maybe it’s the roaches. Landlord has sprayed but whatever he’s using, it isn’t working. We bug him about it (“bug him,” haha) all the time because we see at least one roach a day. I decided to start emailing him every day with the roach count. I hope I irritate the hell out of him because his irritation at getting daily roach count emails from me is nothing compared to MY IRRITATION AT DEALING WITH FREAKIN’ ROACHES every day.

Anyhow, back to the car. This is how great Joe at Toyotechs is. He said he’ll take my car home tonight and try and do all this. He said he has the advantage of being able to drive around with the computer to see if it passes each step. So now I just have to figure out how to get a car rental and get over there (or have them come pick me up) and get the car seat in there because today, of all days, is a day my nanny has to leave early.

So there you have it. And because you made it all the way through my rant, here’s a cute picture. Even with all this insanity, he makes me smile and keeps me sane. I know you all know what I mean.